To start this bad boy off, I figured id share with you a recent true story from my life, hopefully you can relate…….

Static
I'm convinced that my apartment building is the static electricity epicentre of Manhattan. Literally no one can touch anything without getting an annoying slightly painful shock to the finger tip. At least I thought everyone gets shocked until one seemingly normal afternoon……

I returned to my apartment building after a long lonely winter stroll through central park. I entered the elevator with a tall broad man who kinda looked like a mix between Zangief from street fighter, Dolph Lundgren, and Mikhail Gorbachev (Михаил Сергеевич Горбачёв). What I’m trying to say is that he was Russian, a huge Russian dude. For the purposes of this story I will give him a random name….hmmm…I don’t know…how about Boris. I kindly asked Boris to press the button to my floor because he was closer to the elevator control panel. Boris didn’t hear me. I repeated myself loud and clear, still no reaction. Boris was pretending not to hear me, but he literally had no distraction to play off on. He is just fucking standing there looking at me and not pressing the button or saying anything. Awkwardly I reach over and press the button and whatda ya know, I get a huge electrical shock. YEAAAH. At that exact moment the door opened, Boris takes out a notepad jots something down and exits the elevator. As the elevator doors closes he turns his head, takes a quick glance at me and smirks. At that exact second I developed two theories:

1. Boris is a real asshole
or
2. My apartment building is Anti-Semitic, like the actual physical structure of my apartment complex hates Jewish people. And to show its utter resentment, Normandie Court Rental Apartments has chosen to send a surge of harmless static electricity into the fingertips of unsuspecting Jewish victims.

To test my theory I needed a control, someone who is 100 percent not Jewish. And I mean 100 percent, because even though some of these supposed Gentiles have gorgeous Michael Bolton blonde hair and crystal blue Patrick Swayze eyes, there is always the chance they have a Jewish 3rd cousin hiding, bound and gagged, somewhere in their family tree. What I needed was………a black person.

The next day I remembered that there was a young African American fella living on my floor. And by “on my floor” I mean he rents an apartment on the same floor as I do, don’t be a racist! Anyway, I quickly devised a plan and put it in motion. I was going to wait by the elevators until the African American man went to use the elevator. I’d get in the elevator with him, wait till he presses a button, and see if the building shocks his Non-Jewish fingertips.

That afternoon, I waited in the hallway for a few hours, until finally my neighbour reared his handsome chocolate face. I didn't catch his name so for simplicity purposes lets call him…hmmm…uhhh….I don’t know….Patrick Ewing. As Patrick Ewing approaches the elevator I decided to make small talk. "Cold January, eh?" He turned to me and politely said, "Yeah, I am still not use to the winters here..." The elevator door opened and we both entered. I pressed the close door button,><, and I get a huge shock, obviously. Patrick reaches towards the control panel and presses the Lobby button, He gets a huge shock. Oddly, I start feeling upset that my Anti-Semitic theory wasn't true, and I was pissed that my other theory was true…Boris the Russian was an asshole.

At this point, I decided to strike up conversation with my ethnic neighbour. "Hey Patrick….I mean….Neighbour, you said you aren’t used to the winter weather here, where are you originally from?" Patrick turned his head, looked straight in my eyes and said, "Ethiopia MAN". I immediately notice a charm dangling around his neck, it’s a lavish gold Star of David. Patrick is an Ethiopian Jew!!! I did not take into account that my African neighbour might be Beta Israel, an Ethiopian group of black Jews who were recognized by the Israeli government as legally Jewish in 1975. Before you could say StoolieMagoolie, the elevator came to an abrupt stop. The lights went off and a beam of electricity shot down from the ceiling. As the beam hit the floor a blinding flash of light filled the elevator cabin. When the flash dissipated, I could see the outline of a short man in a clean tight fitting uniform with a small black mustache, it was Adolf Hitler. I immediately turned to Patrick Ewing and said "I knew it!" He quickly replied "No you didn’t!" We both crouched down in the corner hugging and screaming for our dear lives.

Hitler reached at his side and took out his German Nazi whip and screamed at the top of his German Nazi lungs, "im gehend, Sie zu töten bumsende Juden!" Which roughly translates to, "I'm going to kill you fucking Jews!" Patrick and I screamed for our lives as Hitler wound up. All of the sudden the elevator doors began to creak, and than it slammed open with tremendous force. It was Boris the Russian with a mean grin on his face. Hitler dropped his whip and cried out in fear, Boris approached him slowly with a clenched fist. Hitler pointed his arms towards Boris and a beam of static electricity shot from his fingertips. The electricity struck Boris but had no effect. Boris wound up and punched Hitler in the face. Hitler flew across the cabin, hit against the wall. As Hitler hit the floor he screamed "NOOOO, ill get you kykes next time!!!" Hitler's body morphed back into static form and retreated into the wall. Simultaneously, the lights came back on and the elevator began to operate properly. Boris unclenched his fists, turned to Patrick and I, and boldly stated, "Hitler only has one weakness….Russians in the winter!"